Alex Salmond MP and First Ministero della of Hibernia goes north with Cameroon and Clegg

Banjamin Zefaniah is with them for companeee
Radio Comedy ‘arf hour>br> From Peter Francis Author
Spikeislandradiopeterborough – intend to be broadcast
12.1.2013/1867 St Crispins Day mes amis
Title
Looking north
A Samond leaps out of the Loch Lomond’s muddy waters
Intended for different voices for each protagonist for sudio/audience beekast
Protagonists David Camkeroon
Rt Hon F O Cable
The Gamekeeper wh looks after the Stags
Alex Salmond MP First Munster
Voice Upper Edinburgh highland twanging lilt Voice: Etonian Nicky Pedro Kwegg’ A legend in
his own lunchtie
Bejamino Zefaniah Poet Laureate

Voice : Jamaican London rhymingdingo
Wellington Marmaduke
Napoleon
Voices; Almost Churchillian with a commanding you must hear this execution
Suitable volunteer Matloes with naval beards and demeanour
Voices : Poirtmouth Hampshire Johnlott inpersonators
Me Ed: Voice : pure joy and benefaction Jesuit Catholic education don’t you know Directions for me mates reading this zootallord min Cheri Blai Peterborough crowd scenes will be tricky, just scream the Peterborough effect will se you through
Get yous into my soul
L:istrin : At 67 at 0600 this frist Fenldn morn evcerythings quiet and quiet can be, ex cept for the Wash it allways washes before breakfat
I am 67 and this is my feerst submission to BBC and my first at editorship of a radio pogrun
Though I did write and sale cash at the gate 35 kobo the hard copies of The Ubiquitous Donket a publication based od satire wit and trip depicting and portraying the very best and worst of the membership oif the Lagos Yact Club, Matloies to a man and would Atlantic croossings featured heavily in the punlicsation It was a mass success with 57 copies being sold and several threat of law suits which sort of put a dampers on it. Was itr worthwhile On;ly the sweet Lore knows these things Zefaniah He refused his OB , Jesus didn’;t need one and he can’t confrm that right now he ain’t here so don’t chide
When
Mary my bootiful 9 years old daughter from Martha my second and perhaps final wife gave me te nod, I replied
I am writing this because life is absurd and I am absurd bis more trhan And I want you to laugh at life and to do that you need to comooonicate mate #How’s tyer mates mate mate at the garden gate
You may mock we Peterborough Fenland folk but uz sticks with it and the Peerborough effexr is omnipresent We need to connect and we use British Rail when we can, Sat/Sumnday is cheaper up and down to Londinium £23.00 in instalments At 67 I am an ex Shell shicked manager and spend my time writing this Gooday to you Sirs
Reghards Pete ( ) That’s all in brackets above() Begins script here un der zootgiest Stasi like ‘get on with it the’n: Ya vool Dawning Street piazza Scene the right Hon Alex Salmon is hiding behind the hedge in Downing Street when a policeman appears in drag Fist Minster Aleexi Salmond MP Wherefore art thou Kleggers you pleb (Clegg is used to being insulted, he’s Saliberal for God’s sake) Never the less he is taken aback by this tirade of expletive deleted Klegggg I will NOT to spoken to twit tawoooo like that master I am the holder of the Privvy seal AND I took the Queen’s shilling for it, the Privvy Cameron I don’t want the toilet de perfume just now thanks
First stop furst stop Peterboroug
h Freight train freight train goin’ so fast (Nancy Whisky sound) Mr Clegg and Mr Cable leave Whitehall comforted by the knowledge that the taxi fare is yes quite a bit of brass BUT tuition fees’ll be less in Scotland A piper pies them out of the Port Cullis They notice there is an abandoned bicycle and a Policeman helmet flattened on the shimmering wet pavement That must have been some copper look at the size of ‘is hat He was a legend in his own uniform says Clegg It’s cold and it’s damp Night train to Edinburgh he dashes to Kings Cross hoping to catch Salmond off Arthur’s Halfa seat when he gets there On leaving Downing Street he is accosted by a man in a Cardigan Cable and Wireless have brought the message, it’s the messenger
Come with me Hardy Vince, we’re making a dash for it to Kings Cross and ever onward to the Isles of Skype and and miles beyond
They both call a taxi It’s my man the poet He, the driver. Heartily announces That be £25.00 and sixpence and we’ll go past the Commons I’m doing this in me part time you know It’s the Vince and Nick train show Benjamin’s the name and that’s me claim to fame I nearly got an OBE for me dashing thrashin poetry Let’s git their quick and not be late The flin’ Scotmas is never late unless for fate Hop in here just pay the fair mate Over and out I’m exhausted
On the train
Train noises Treechorous Spania
rd Clegg :They do fings different ’er Vince Vince :: Do They Deputy Clegg They decend from the tarin backerds Like this Porter Gooday my fine men kindly gent lifts Clegg tails so he can see Vince An we’ll get that tea from Coasta Café The only Port of call hip hip hooray They slip out of the station unnoticed except for a groupee of girls waiting in yon green bushes Crowd at Peerborough Station : It’s ‘im it’s him’ The deputee come along do have a sup of tea Cathedral Tea rooms and precincts Scene change The Cathedral Tea rooms : have opened specially, Nick and Vinced are sat down and given silver foil space age all the rage napkins what catch the biscuit crums The Cathedral’s shimmering stone building can be saw from the port cullis Is the Bishop here asks Vince Polished Waitress On his stoop with the Chronicles at Ely me Lord says the attractive Polish weirtress Hibernia Super star Clegg : You’re looking dapper in ye Gold and ermined crimson waitress unifern, Nick is heard to say No it aint’ me Karanova Coveralls tonite your virtual Emminence Waitress : It’s Polski the lap dance Warsavia Orkestra conducted bt Lec at the Proms c’e soir Music is heard, matins, emanating from the CaFEEDRAL; Choristers in the Oyster Cloisters Entrance of The Mackerel man He has followed from the station with his trolle and an assortment of deep sea fresh fish and other delicious sea food Clegg We’’ have the oysters shall we? He asks Vince who’s flashing his epical House of Comoons Plastic Fantastic Credit card and suddenly having it immediately snaffled up by the Choristers Vince: Only fair you pay for the Carols Gracious Spanish well laced man The benediction: Petraburgis et Orbis , normally a sniffling shy Fenland Dear bless his sole and hope to die (hear) After paying their visa fees and showing their passports Nic and Vince are hurried away for the blessing, the arch Deacon is presiding this right this night College tuition fees upon you Spaniard half wit that you are – Hasta hasta the Rasta Say I A capulet in the form of Benjamin appears though doesn’t recite. His dulcet tomes can be heard echoing around Cafedral clois Hey Man says Benjamin
My part enters : Look you could have taken dat Empoire Medal and sold the bally thing and made it to Uni and learn proper Fenland Anglian Ruskin Benjamin English wot like we speak me duck the poet and muse Vicent is thuderstrocuk rabis A passing Basset hound though tethered and peaceful doesn’t improve his mood Gone to the Dogs this place after Gordon Brown abandoned it Says Nick We’ll just have to sort it all out SpikeIslandRadio can be heard playing Dog save the Queen and the basset hound howls in harmony
Rough rough here says Vince laughing at himself and his cardigan, now in tatters from the ardous train ride
With that Salmond leaves in a huff Scottish Independent my shoe twit two says Cleegg I ‘d rather have a McDonalds or A Cameroon
Back to Peterborough Station
Clegg speaks It’s cold and damp Vince They just said that in the intro Nick dear boy my dear and plesant chap, get a hearing aid there cheaper as mutton chops these day wel’ll stop at a butcher Hey MR Tally man tally there you driver A vOICE IS HEARD EXORTING THE BENEFITS OF A HIGH A HIGH FIBRE CALOROEE DIET Paddy Wack But we cud stop at Peterborough?? for high treason if you wish, they’ve got a Liptons there at the Caffeedral Tea Urn Cable was never satisfied I don’t like that idea at all at all did I here that Hereward It Chobham the ward actually Nick where me Gran can vote Cable feigns aloofness but he’s a squidgy little cuddly cardigan armchasir and pipe and slipppers man actually Right oh then Benjamin
Drop us off near the taxi ranlk It’s almost dark and bally dank The 2015 is it on time For Peterbruff and Daneline On the Newcastle brown before you can cll time That’s Vic and me mate (that don’t rhyme I no that stooped, can’t be all things to all Benjamine’s says he ‘On the bluebell line rhymes chimes the lines it doo Clegg Stick that in then Vincent Black Lightening That’s reference to a motorcycle ‘Enri Matador my fine motorbikerrs tea party Red Mullet was served once on the Flying Stock, 17/6pence it was, battered and flied though Plain it took ye back $15 dlrs post inflation austerity 1930 dustbowl Chinese soupe price Plays his peddle steel guiat to accompany Benjamin Play Plaistow Putney man Rasta poet Desperate Dan Who don’t accept no OBE
See what Queen’ll do to me The Duke of Edinburgh’s not with us this evening The taxi is hurrying now as the evening traffic closes in They Call on their mobiles for a Police escort Ring rings it squalls on
No answer can that be true There’s always one when you want one three come along but not today it seems Plebs bally pleebs Everyone goes to the Dog and Doublet it’s a little pub down by the Nene in Peterborough Salmond is left alone as he will be after the Scots vote to throw out our boats and change the coins in their pockets says Vince apologetically
Wherefore art thou Alex Everone Look under the seat on the train – nothing only a wet stinking mackerel £1300 quid a ticket. Cheap at twice the price Vince ‘’That’s what the problem iswith the economy you fool’ echoes in the King’s Cross rafters
Have a stale cheese sandwich

Next Andrew Marr’s p
olitiks and politicians to boot and you pay you licentious fees now listeners The Beeb neds it wot with all them $1000000 pay orfs and that Toodle pip
Scott (accompanying the train this night)reaches the North (of Scotland) His ship has been destroyed by the Ice and he no longer has Oates and the crew What can he do He shrieks out loudly into the northern gale What must I do if I am ever to see fair Enfland Again Get me a ship from yon fair Fast lane (he referring of course to Faslane Nuclear submarine base in bonny bonny Airdrie where a speedy vessel can be found left by the Vikings and just about to be scarpped by the new Scottish Pat=rliament following independence Scott thinks he can drive one, if he can get up a racing spped with dogs then surely his MOD licence is flkexibale (he thinks so and he’s had it translated into Gaelic, but who in any event will stop a silver submariner he mnuses and chortles as he gulps fown another dram of Mc Hamish don’t it Hammer you just
Fasslane i it?, don’t spare the sheep Hamiosh The Senior Comms Sat Nav the third is in charge of all comms and commies and commkuitees Any message s go through him, twther enclair. Clare de la Lune or Codifed, via Bletchley Park and ride it’s better to route them worzels through Skype Sounds of silver fish subs can be heard under the weater via their asdec Sony Walkman sounds sstems now, they are approach the base as they hear Bagpipe Kiolt and droms
Sounds Fasslane Sub base Royal Navy here A hoy their Brave Heart SRN ( Scottish Regal Navay’s answer to Captain Bly appears from the conning cunning tower where he has been cannyily hiding Greeeet ya sananak, I greet you on behalf of all McKarells May I have the pleasure of knowinhg you Sir Ah weeel noo the noo that’s another question sonny boy Williamson Let get acclimatised and used to the control;s Jim His name is Mctavish McHenry MKlegg a well know brave and courageous Naval Cadet become Lord Lieutenant of the Fllece and ready and willing to help Scot
We always greet and welcome the McBritains here don’t ye concern yersell with that Jimmy
Naval Protocol and etiket are at strike It’s not ye ken that we are somehow agin ye effnick clans so on yon border Nooo the noo we’re ain’t
But noo that Samond Mchaddock has taken contro, of the bath tubs and the toys includes these Nooo All Clear ones, we ha tay foooloo there behests gerrit Vinc
e Vince has hrried along from Edingburgh dresses in sheepskin bal;aclav and miits ready for a punch up
They head off for the quays to take command of the sub
Fire all target Edinbugh cries Clegg
Salmond (hearing this real time on Youtoon winces) That would be fratricide MacClegg comes his voice over the VT scrambler
That’s not nice, he’s right
But then Clegg ain’t paid to be nice, Vince plays his three Spades and the party egins
and the wirling dervishes appear on the quaysoide with their pipes and drims Bonnny Scotland I’;ll take the low low and Jimmy Shand arrange a Mcjam session. It wafts accoss the locvk
Meantime Vince helps the Spaniard Clegg turn the pormateaui sized key ato to portcullis The sub starts its turbines and carabineers Clegg slams it into 1st and torubo charged mode at that Engines turbines and MAlpines scream and all the birds in the heavens and all te fish in the sea scarper, those that know what good for them if they don’t want to be canned tuna do blu ray communications breach into the breach once more
Shaded grey figure appears on the bridg
e It’s Wellington Marmaduke accompanies by EU Presidente Napoleone One sua che mal e pense
Cose for @let’s get a copy of that key wuick Duke me duck Napoleon. Assertive as evee nods Oui (Yes Frog speak)
We proud French will nevr give up our dunloons orour wine women and whatever See what a mness the EU Presidente Berlusconi Fat Man Doctaor is in because of Engeeesh Lawyers don’;t you
Vince thinks aloud. The excesses of the fat cat legal Twoits, I must get a handle on it and earn a few books
(Thinks loving the Polymath that he is of the Iliad, wants immortality and intends to sculp himself into an reasonable effigy of an Ancient and Literaure wqell spoken middle eeenglish Greek
But Peterborough man had piut the dampers on that
Meantime Clegg commands and th sub zoots off passing Fort William, the rim is opened the crew are conmtent
Off too the Cameroons asks the Liberty Bell
The Prime Minster left behind I No 12 calls V
Vince, Nick, I did said take yer boys to the serpentine, wine and dine had that in mine Bejamins hear he feels sooo queer
He ain’t up to the jon,he’s no knob
I din’t meant north of the border (Mc Vitie si
ooong kicks in here) Ne’er ye mind, I’ll tak ‘the high road and ye all do what the bally hell yellow ye wanna bes doo twit twoowant
Vince, expenses aside is is your Platinum card ok I can raise the limits Fire two missiles, one to port one to starboard
Radio Coms track VT live time shake it out rattle and roll
I wanna see this?
And
almighty explosion breaks the speaker cones
FaDES TO ITV (noo beeb hereabouts) News at Ten and live shots of a laser guided missile passing through the Members Dining Hall I of a Place in WC1
Cheaper that way Mctavish, have ye a dram? Aye Aye bally aye sahh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!¬ The anthem: God save our Gracious Queen is sung …………ends
Religious ceremonies and other manifastations three and sizpence each ‘Barvitzvahs must be banned’
Isaac Priest : writes in the Islamic creed weekly Peterborough Editon Cleggun to the crowd be preaching now and bursts Paisley like into prose : Say I to these David \Crystal man of ENGLISH hear Peterboro Petergruff bin feelin art Zefaniah is the man whot drags you out An’ sees the Ingles / Angles/ Vikings all abart Old man’s hat,
Who’d put the money down pitta pat
Polly puts the kettle on if you can in this Fenland mire Worcershire Gloustershire Anywhere but not here squire not near the spire
of our Cathedral did you hear
How austere You’re budget was tight Quite right
But then hire A Deputy Prime Minister on the cheap instead of paying this one Vince retorts: Nay nay Twas too far, Northamptonshire for ye Davis Crystal turned about
In the local mele you were left out
We plebs were too
Of your English waterloo
Benjamin Zefaniah is here in suooort and to give his point of view:
Excultashuns United nations castigations from east to west here is best We are on the boundaries of the middle English rift And great vowel shift Roccocco rock rot said someone, double speak
around Caffedral precincts did it speak along long alleyways dark and meek
abutting tearooms let him speak dammit!! Twas the ghost of Bob Cratchettt and Chistmas past zooms Hector appears: In he catacoms With his coype at last
Now quite aghast
Scene Xvii ; The Cathedral was full for the thanksgiving service
The Archdeacon exclaims loudly for all to hear: Who taketh this yellow little Spanish liberal man and his party for their wedded wife with his dubloons
Cameroon decending quickstep from the Helicopter chanting glooms I do sayeth he
Twit two says the Archdeaconess, let no man put asunder
This day let England hear
Twis was the day of St Crispien They all kneel in prayer, Cameroon begins the Gregorian chant
'Omnis vobiscum anno domini Et spiritu unto you'
Quickly follows A Grand entrance by Henry V. flanked by Clegg His oratory recorded here for histerical by Benjamin: O that we now had here But one ten thousand of those men in England That worketh to-day!
(Statistician interjects via Bletchley on the radio
The figures will be out at noon David, Not known at this time)
What pray wishes he so ? My cousin Westmoreland? No, my fair cousin; If we are mark'd to die be it so To do our country loss; and if to live, The fewer men, the greater share of honour.
God's will! I pray thee, wish not one man more. By Jove, I am not covetous for gold, Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost; It yearns me not if men my garments wear; But what irks me still this Crispiens day is yon Zefaniah’s rasta hair